Can my teenage son be a sex addict?
By · CommentsQ. OK, so I’ve heard of sex addicts, the entertainment news is full of guys who have sought therapy for it. Are you saying that could be made worse by combining it with an internet addiction? Certainly you don’t mean that could be true for my adolescent son! I mean, he can’t be old enough for that, right?
(c) Sexual Addiction Recovery Resources
A. It’s alarming, but we’re seeing this problem at younger and younger ages. It’s not at all strange to have a college-age man diagnosed with a sex addiction, and most of those young men are feeding their addiction with internet porn. The problem for these boys – and even in college, young men are still boys in many ways – is that they’re not getting sexual gratification from a real, live human being but from an image which may be real or not, and even if real may be the result of some force or coercion to make the people participate in creating that image or video. The problem with our brains is that we don’t actually have to experience an event for our minds to react as if we really did participate in that experience. An example: if you hold a pencil with your teeth, it makes your lips turn up as if in a smile; if you hold a pencil with your lips, it makes your lips turn down as if in a frown. Research has shown that simply holding a pencil with your teeth makes you feel a bit happier while holding a pencil with your lips can make you feel a bit sadder. We know that focusing on a mental image of an action makes your body feel that you actually have completed that action,which is one of the reasons that many athletes use mental imaging as part of their training for their sport. Therefore, simply watching pornography makes your brain think you have engaged in the act you are seeing, but you have no emotional connection to the people involved. That will distance you from the people in the image or film, but may become a part of the way you cope with people you encounter in real life, as well. So, the internet has made pornography both readily available and a way for people not to interact with each other. The risk here is that a young man can become literally addicted to the gratification he gets from watching internet pornography, which can distance him from interacting with people and developing healthy relationships. It’s critical to monitor your son’s internet activity when he’s in middle school and high school, and to talk to him about the risks of virtual relationships. Keep that conversation going even when he’s moved on to college, and pay attention to his behavior with his friends. Encourage your sons, at all ages, to regularly turn off the computer and get involved in healthy activities with real people.
Boys + Internet Addiction
By · CommentsQ. My teenaged son and his long-time buddy are viewing pornography on the internet. I know this only because his sister ratted him out. My husband says that it is no different from reading Playboy which he did as a teen. Do I need to be worried?
A.
There is nothing new about pornography. If you go to Pompeii there are several sites which are limited to adult visitors because of the graphic nature of the pictures on the walls. What is new is the internet, which makes the visuals more available. Additionally, instead of still pictures, which will get boring after a while, the visuals on the internet are of people who are moving.
The problem is two-fold. One part is an internet addiction which psychologists are beginning to recognize has neurobiological connections, which means that changes in the brain make the behavior of someone who is addicted to internet sites similar to the behavior of someone addicted to drugs. The same pleasure center in the brain is being activated, which makes the person more likely to use the internet to obtain the gratification that’s normally gained through interaction with other people. The second part is that viewing pornography leads a person to believe that the viewed behavior is normal, so they are more likely to seek similar interaction with other people. The result: individuals who spend a huge amount of time on the internet and who lack competent skills in making healthy relationships with others.
So, yes, you do need to be worried. Research says that many young men believe that viewing pornography on the web is normal and that there is not likely to be anything that you did wrong in parenting him. What you need to do is sit him down and have a frank talk about the long-term effects of internet pornography and point out that you are not pleased that he is wasting so much of his time in this activity. As he gets older he’s likely to switch his attentions to girls, but you don’t want him to get so involved in obtaining gratification from the web that he doesn’t find pleasure in the company of real live people. That’s an outcome you need to prevent!
With Good Reason
By · CommentsDr. James appeared as a guest on a recent episode of the award-winning radio program With Good Reason. Her segment is at the beginning of the show – click here to listen to her thought-provoking discussion with Sarah McConnell. Abigail’s experience in the classroom at the beginning of her teaching career led her to kicking off years of research into the neuroscience of learning, and how the differences in the developing brains of boys and girls take very different paths to acquiring information.
Talking for boys
By · CommentsQ. My son is almost a year old and hasn’t really started talking yet. I know that is normal for boys, but I am concerned that he doesn’t have any way to tell me what he wants. He just points and makes noises. A friend suggested that I teach him basic sign language. Will that help?
A. First of all, you are right that a one year-old boy may not yet be talking and that is normal. And after all, why should he make the effort when you respond to his non-verbal cues? When he points and makes noises, ask him what he wants and act as if you really don’t understand. “ Do you want this toy or that toy?” Point to each one and then repeat “This or that?” He will start to use words when you are not interpreting for him. As far as teaching him sign language, remember that it is a language and children who are bilingual start to speak later than kids who learn one language. It is fantastic for a child to learn sign language, but only if you mean to keep it up as his second language. Otherwise, all you have done is delay when he starts to speak. The frustration that a child exhibits because he can’t make himself understood is part of what encourages children to speak.
Are boys really having trouble in school?
By · CommentsQ. I’ve recently read that boys really aren’t having trouble in school, that it is all hype. Is that true?
A. A recent report by the American Association for University Women (AAUW) entitled Where the girls are: the facts about gender equity in education says that there is no “boy crisis” in schools. The report uses information from the National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) and the Department of Education to substantiate their claim that on average, the educational performance of both boys and girls has improved. Not entirely true.
The NAEP reading scores indicate that the gender gap is closing for younger children, but widening for older children. At age 9, girls are 6 points ahead of boys, but at age 17, girls are 13 points ahead of boys. Boys are ahead of girls at all levels by 2 points , but in 1978 and 1982, in 4th grade, girls were ahead of boys in math. While the scores of all children in some subjects are rising, at least in part because teachers are grooming children for standardized tests, the effect is not as positive as the AAUW would have us believe.
The success that girls are having in schools makes the problems of boys more obvious. This is nothing new, just more visible.
Problems of boys in lab
By · CommentsQ. Thanks for the suggestion to put girls with girls in lab, I’ve tried that, but then the boys who are working together do the lab, but never take notes and so their lab reports are not good. What now?
A. Boys will blame you for their inability to complete their lab reports (because you won’t let them work with girls), but do not let them get away with that. Boys can be a little like electricity – they take the path of least resistance! If they can get away with not doing the report, they will. However, they really like doing lab, so put one boy in charge of collecting data and rotate that job. You shouldn’t ever let girls pick the person they are going to work with, and you should assign specific jobs for boys.
Girls in science lab
By · CommentsQ. The girls in my Chemistry class do very well on the tests, but don’t seem to have much interest in the lab exercises. Do you have any suggestions?
A. A study on girls in physics class pointed out that when girls are partnered with other girls, they do better in a science class. If you can do that, I’d recommend that girls work together in lab. The reason is that the boys tend to jump into a lab and get right to work and the girls end up being the scribes. As a friend said, make sure you keep your hands in your pockets when you teach girls – make them do it!
Boys and toys
By · CommentsQ. My little boy doesn’t play properly with his toys. He is always taking them apart and putting them together in odd ways. I will sit down with him and try to get him to see how things work, but he either gets mad at me or wonders off. Should I be concerned?
A. Welcome to the world of boys! The essence of boys is to take things apart and see how they work and then try to put them back together in another way. That is why boys traditionally like building blocks as there are no right ways to put them together. Give your son broken appliances, cut the electrical cords off first, and some screwdrivers and let him play with those if he likes to take things apart. You may have a budding engineer in the house. Do make sure that he understands that he is not to mess with working appliances.
Test Anxiety
By · CommentsQ. Several of the girls in my math class say that they don’t “test well.” They all do well on homework and work in class as long as it is not timed, but the minute that the word test is mentioned, they panic. Why is this a problem for the girls in my class?
A. Generally, we think of the reaction to stress as fight-or-flight. This is the reaction in our body to a threat, real or imagined, and under the influence of adrenalin, blood floods our muscles and brain together with oxygen and blood sugar to provide energy for us to make decisions and to act. Recently, a theory has been proposed that some women do not react this way to stress. Their reaction has been termed tend-and-befriend in which the body reacts in the opposite way. Under the influence of oxytocin, the blood goes to the center of the body, the person has a hard time moving or making decisions and may become nauseated or sick to their stomach. The reason for this reaction to stress has been said to have developed to help females protect their young by staying with the babies. If a young woman sees a test as a threat, she may react with tend-and-befriend and will find it difficult to make decisions or to act. The result will be a poor result on a test. This doesn’t happen to all girls or to girls all the time.
Participation Trophies
By · CommentsQ. My son has been playing little league baseball and he really enjoys playing even though his team doesn’t win a lot of games. In the recent tournament at the end of the season, everyone on his team received participation trophies. I found his in the trash the other day. What is with that?
A. Boys see participation trophies as a clear message that they are no good at the sport and have no chance of ever succeeding. Participation awards actually reduce a boy’s self-esteem. Boys understand that you only win if you are better than the other teams and that takes time and practice. As the famous coach Vince Lombardi once said – “Winning is not the most important thing, it is the only thing.” They will get upset when they lose, but that will only drive them to try harder. Giving them an award for not winning tells a boy that he has no hope of succeeding and so he will not keep working at the sport.
