Disciplining boys
By · CommentsQ. I have such a hard time disciplining my boy. I try to get him to see that his behavior hurts other people, but that does not seem to get him to want to be better. What can I do?
A. Boys require structure in their lives. All they need to know is whether a behavior is allowed or not. Boys don’t understand, “don’t do that honey, how would that make you feel if someone did that to you?” With boys you have to be very direct and clear. Tell him exactly what behavior you object to and tell him don’t do that again. When he does it again, get down on his level and tell him, “I told you not to do that. If you do that again, you will lose the toy for the rest of the day.” Or whatever response is appropriate for his action. When he does it again, simply take the toy away. No threats, only promises. If you are consistent, you will not have to do this much as he will believe you the first time. When he gets a bit older around 6 or 7, add to the first part “don’t do that, you hurt people when you throw blocks.” Point out the consequence of his actions. When he gets around 12-13, ask him what is the consequence of his behavior. “Don’t do that, what will happen if you continue to do that?” This method works really well, but only if you follow through. Also, don’t ask him if he remembers that you told him not to do something. The answer to that will be “no.” Just tell him “I told you this before.” If he complains that he doesn’t remember, tell him that you did tell him and if he does not remember, then he should pay closer attention in the future. Don’t get angry, just uphold the rules you set. (this is very hard for most parents and teachers, remember hold to the rules you have set)
Attention and TV
By · CommentsQ. When my son comes home from school, he gets plugged into the computer playing games or watching TV. His school says that he can’t pay attention in class and I don’t understand why if he can pay attention at home and not at school.
A. There is evidence that the longer children, particularly boys, watch TV the shorter their attention span becomes in other areas. What boys need when they come home from school is about two hours of hard play outside. Even if they don’t run around, boys need to develop sustained activities such as building forts if space is available or building with plastic blocks if they have to stay inside. All children need to spend time outside, but boys especially need unstructured time to learn to develop sustained attention
Organized Sports
By · CommentsQ. My son is in a soccer league on weekends and they practice several times a week after school. He is not the best player, but does get some time on the field. He says he does not enjoy it, but I know that he needs the exercise. Is there anything else he can do?
A. You are right that your son needs the extra exercise, but not all children enjoy organized sports. Look around and see if there is anything else available. Many dance studios have a class for boys to teach jazz, tap, or hip hop and they really like that. Your local recreation association or YMCA may sponsor afternoon activities that are not organized around a team sport such as swimming, running, or using roller blades.
Night vision
By · CommentsQ. Who sees better in the dark? Boys or girls?
A. I’m sorry that there really isn’t a definitive answer mainly because the research done in this area doesn’t look specifically at gender differences in night vision. As far as differences in eyes go, we know that more males are subject to color blindness, or actually color deficiency. The explanation for that from an evolutionary perspective is that a color blind hunter, who sees fewer colors, is not distracted by the natural camouflage of many animals’ coats. That hunter is better able to see the animal in the wild whereas a person with full color vision sees all the colors and has a harder time seeing the animal. If you don’t see a full complement of colors, you might be able to see better at night because night vision depends on being able to see black and white, not colors. You may have noticed that you can see things at night in your peripheral vision, but if you stare in that direction, the object disappears. The reason is that your focused vision is mostly color and your peripheral vision is almost entirely black and white. While most individuals with color blindness are men, only about 10% of males have the condition which would not make for a statistical difference in night vision between males and females. The final answer to this question is that there isn’t an answer because there doesn’t seem to be research specifically in this area. If anyone knows of a study, please let me know.
Why do boys fight?
By · CommentsQ. All my little boy wants to do when he has a friend over is fight with him. I have told him that if he can’t play nicely with the other boy, that he can’t have his friend over. My son says they are not fighting, they are wrestling. What can I do?
A. What the little boys are doing is roughhousing, and they need to do it. Research indicates that little boys who roughhouse have better social skills than boys who do not engage in this form of play. This is how they learn the boundaries of how much is too much. One way to tell the difference between roughhousing and fighting is to look at their hands, if the hands are open it is roughhousing, if the hands are in fists that is fighting and they should stop. Provide a safe place for the little boys to roughhouse where there is some space and either a carpet or mat on the floor, but you will find that their favorite place is outside on the grass.
Why do boys look away?
By · CommentsQ. One thing that bothers me about some of the boys in my middle school classes is that when I ask them a question, they don’t look at me when they answer. I think that they would give more focused answers if they were paying closer attention to me. I said this to one of the boys who replied that he found it easier to pay attention when he wasn’t looking at me. Surely that can’t be true?
A. For some boys, it is true. We have known for a long time that boys in general are not as good as girls at reading body language or getting information from subtle voice cues. There are several explanations for this, but one study pointed out that day-old baby girls preferred to look at faces and day-old baby boys preferred to look at moving shiny objects! A new area of interest is called mirror neurons. These are parts of your brain which are active when you are trying to figure out what emotions other people are experiencing. The mirror neurons in many boys are not as active as those in most girls. What this all means is that a boy may not get any information from your facial expression and in fact, it may confuse him. If you discipline a boy and try to be encouraging at the same time by smiling, a boy may have no idea which message to pay attention to. Just because a boy does not look at you when you ask a question does not mean that he doesn’t know the answer, it may be that he needs to look at something else while he frames his answer.
Wiggly boys
By · CommentsQ. I teach 4th grade. Several of the boys in my class can’t seem to sit quietly in their seats when they are working. They are on task and paying attention, but they fidget a lot and bother other students. Is there anything I can do?
A. Give them something to manipulate. Research is clear that many boys are very restless and it has nothing to do with lack of attention. However, if they have something in their hand to squeeze or play with, their memories are better. Don’t let them have any sort of ball as the temptation to throw a ball is too great. Therapy balls which help develop hand strength are the best, but small stuffed animals and other squeezable objects will work as well. When they are manipulating these objects, their attention is greater and they won’t bother other students as much. If some students continue to be annoyed, move the students so that they are less likely to get in each other’s way.
How important is reading to children
By · CommentsQ. Is reading to children all that important? I provide books on tape and they listen to the TV and the radio. Why do they need me to read to them?
A. It is very clear that the single most important thing that parents can do to prepare their children for school is to read to them every night and this is particularly true for boys. Young boys do not always acquire verbal skills at the same rate as young girls. For example, a 20 month-old boy is likely to have half the speaking vocabulary of a 20 month-old girl. Hearing parents speak is the best way for children to learn language skills. Exposing children to TV and tapes does help, but they pay closer attention to their parents. The other part of this is that if a parent reads to a child every night it gives the child a sense of connectedness to her parent that is very important for her self-confidence and self-esteem.
boys and sleep
By · CommentsQ. My little boy is such a wild man at the end of the day. Once he is ready for bed, we have been letting him watch a little TV to settle him down. He is quiet, but he doesn’t get sleepy and we have a battle getting him to bed. What is going on?
A. Some fairly new information says that the bright lights from TV and computer screens interfere with our ability to produce melatonin which is a substance in our brains that helps us go to sleep. A better way to settle your little boy down is to read to him. All children need to be read to as that helps them acquire verbal skills and boys need it more than girls as their verbal skills develop a bit later than those of girls. When you start this, he may protest but it is more a matter of a change in his routine. Let him wander around in his bedroom as you read if he gets restless, but encourage him to get into bed. If you do this every night for a week, he will accept the new practice.
Girls and noise
By · CommentsQ. My daughter complains that her father yells at her. I think he does speak a bit loudly, but he claims to be baffled by her response.
A. Because males don’t hear sounds as soft or as high as females can hear, males tend to speak a bit more loudly than females. You may have noticed that it is hard for little boys to whisper. Adult males whose voices can be deep frequently don’t understand that a little girl may find their voices a bit startling especially when the man is speaking directly to the girl in a firm tone. It is probably not the volume that is the problem, but the manner that he is using that she is interpreting as yelling. If he just speaks to her conversationally, she will pay attention and he can get his point across just as well.
