For those of us who are parenting boys, the outcome in the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman case in Florida is very concerning. Just being a boy seems to put a young man at risk in this world. Boys are more likely to be identified as autistic or having learning disabilities, more likely to commit suicide or to die by accident, more likely to be arrested or be incarcerated, and that worrying list goes on. Mothers want to protect their sons and so try to keep them safe when they are small, but that doesn’t help either. When boys get old enough to be on their own, they then don’t have the skills to protect themselves from the world because they have little experience.
What does help? Making sure that your boy is comfortable in his own skin, whatever the color of that skin is, and that he doesn’t see others who are different from him as threats. And boys need men to teach them that. In all of my visits to boys’ schools around the globe and my work with those who teach in those schools, I have become convinced that in order to raise good men, boys need to be around good men. Research is clear that neither boys nor girls care whether their teachers are male or female, but in order for both boys and girls to grow up into confident, successful adults, they need to have the opportunity to work with both men and women. Schools usually provide good women as almost all primary school teachers around the world are women, and mothers have friends who serve as role models, but there is a scarcity of men who work in the earlier grades.
So how do you find a good man to mentor your son? Even if your son has a father, and a father who lives with him, your son still needs more men in his life. The reason is that your son needs to know that there are many different ways to be a successful man and that successful men don’t necessarily look like them. Those men may be the maintenance man in their apartment building, the grandfather next door, the mechanic who works on your car, the greeter at your local big-box store, or your doctor, his teacher, or his coach. How you treat those men is an important part of how he sees the lessons they have to teach him.
Why are men so important for boys? The story of the elephants at Pilanesberg National Park in South Africa is a great example. A group of young, orphaned male elephants were sent to Pilanesberg, which was being established as a new animal park. After a while, it was obvious that some of the white rhinos were being killed. Making careful observations, the rangers found out that the transplanted young elephants were the killers. These elephants had been harassing the rhinos by throwing sticks at them, chasing them, sticking their tusks in them, and finally stomping them to death. The young elephants banded together in groups led by particularly tough young males, in the manner of street gangs. Finally, a suggestion was made to bring in a number of mature male elephants to see what effect they would have on the young elephants. In short order, the older males asserted their authority and the young elephants, after a few futile attempts to stand their ground, yielded. The young elephants began to follow the older elephants around, learning from them how elephants were supposed to behave and that harassing rhinos was not acceptable elephant behavior.
What has this got to do with the Martin/Zimmerman case? None of us were there and we don’t know what happened, but it appears as if both men were frightened of someone who looked different. When you are confident about yourself, you are less likely to feel threatened by others. Confidence comes when you take personal risks, not necessarily physical risks, but those can help as well. Boys need good men to serve as examples of acceptable behavior just as the young elephants needed the adult males to show them what behavior was appropriate.
So do what you can to find good role models for your son. Make sure that those men come in a variety of races, creeds, socioeconomic groups, and educational levels. Limiting your son to just economically successful professional men is not realistic although I can certainly see why you would want those men in your son’s life. It is just as important that you listen to what your son has to say about these men, let your boy tell you what he has learned from his interactions. Children do not come into the world believing that one group of people is better than another. You don’t want your son being the victim nor do you want him to be the aggressor. He will learn how to manage himself over time and making sure that he has good role models is an important part of his journey.